The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship Read online

  The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship

  Cassandra Claire

  The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship

  by Cassandra Claire

  The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, Son of Arathorn

  Day One:

  Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.

  Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.

  Still not King.

  Day Four:

  Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.

  Not King yet.

  Day Six:

  Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!

  Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.

  Still not King.

  Day Ten:

  Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.

  Not King today either.

  Day Eleven:

  Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

  Legolas may be hotter than me.

  I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

  Day 28:

  Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.

  Still not King.

  Day 30:

  In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

  Nice chat with Boromir. He’s not so bad.

  Took a shower. Yay!

  But still not King.

  Day 32:

  Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

  Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

  I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

  Nope, not King.

  Day 33:

  Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

  Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.

  Not so sure about Gimli either.

  RIP Boromir.

  Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.

  Day 34:

  Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?

  My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?

  Not so sure about me either.

  Still not King, goddammit.

  The Very Secret Diary of Legolas, Son of Weenus

  dedicated to Emily for her fearless defense of Elijah

  Day One:

  Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission — gold ring so tacky.

  Day Four:

  Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down.

  Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

  Day Six:

  Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.

  Orcs so silly.

  Still the prettiest.

  Day Ten:

  Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.

  Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

  Day Eleven:

  In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.

  Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.

  I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?

  Still prettiest by far.

  Day 30:

  All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.

  Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

  Still the prettiest.

  Day 33:

  Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.

  Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.

  Day 35:

  Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.

  Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.

  Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.

  The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor

  Day One:

  Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that….what? Got distracted there for a bit.

  Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous…rudeness.

  Ooops.

  Day Three:

  Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

  Day Four:

  Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his…

  Stupid Ring.

  Day Four:

  Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.

  Ha Ha! Ha!

  Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

  Day Six:

  Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."

  Blatant favoritism most annoying.

  Day Ten:

  Why isn't Aragorn into me?

  Day Eleven:

  Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.

  Kind of liked it, actually.

  Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too…

  In other news, Gandalf died.

  Day 30:

  In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness.

  Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.

  Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other.

  Stupid Aragorn.

  Day 33:

  Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)

  Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

  Day 35:

  Killed by orcs.

  Stupid orcs.

  The Very Secret Diary of Frodo Baggins

  How could I do this to poor, lovable Frodo??? That said…

  Day One:

  Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap.
Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.

  Day Three

  Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.

  Day Four

  Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.

  Day Six:

  Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.

  He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.

  Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

  Day Ten:

  Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.

  Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.

  It must truly be an object of awesome power.

  Day Eleven:

  Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show.

  Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.

  Day 24:

  Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.

  Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.

  Day 27:

  Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.

  Day 30:

  Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts.

  Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?

  Right?

  Day 33:

  Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.

  Day 36:

  Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.

  Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.

  Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.

  The Very Secret Diary of Samwise Gamgee

  This one's for Rave, on account of her fab Legolas/Aragorn parody.

  Day One:

  Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.

  Did I say that out loud?

  Day Three:

  Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.

  Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

  Day Four:

  Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

  Day Five:

  Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.

  Gandalf no fun at all.

  *sulk*

  Day Six:

  Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled.

  Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

  Day Seven:

  Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!

  Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.

  Day Eight:

  Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me. Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.

  Day Nine:

  Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.

  Day Ten:

  V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.

  Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordly ways.

  Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.

  Ick.

  Day Fifteen:

  Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.

  Hate Pippin.

  Day Twenty-Two:

  Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.

  Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.

  Day Twenty-Three:

  Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.

  Day Twenty-Four:

  Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.

  Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.

  We will see about that.

  The Very Secret Diary of Gandalf the Grey

  Apologies to Rave for filching her "weed" idea. Bah hah hah.:D

  Day One:

  In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?

  Day Two:

  Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly.

  Whups. Fellover.

  Day Three:

  Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.

  Day Twelve:

  Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.

  Day Thirteen:

  Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.

  Day Fourteen:

  Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!

  Day Sixteen:

  Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails…okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.

  Day Nineteen:

  Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.

  Day Twenty:

  Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.

  Day Twenty-One:

  Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious." Useless git.

  Day Twenty-Three:

  V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow,
may have to hit him with my staff.

  Day Twenty-Five:

  Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

  Day Twenty-Six:

  In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.

  Day Twenty-Seven:

  Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!

  The Very Secret Diary of Peregrin Took

  I know I said it would be Merry's Diary, but it's Pippin's. Oh, and the next person who tells me Legolas' father's name is not Weenus gets an arrow in the eye.:D I know perfectly well it isn't. I just don't care.:D

  Day One

  Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and grabby.

  Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After he found one that was just the right shape, too.

  Day Two

  V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament.

  Day Three

  Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.